Last night, shower thoughts, I began to feel as if I was too peaceful, as if nothing crazy was happening every single day to warrant me tears, or headaches or trying to show my frenemies that my life was doing better than their life was doing. I began to question too much peace and serenity. I was questioning late-night Twitter & Instagram feed-obsession, and watching all of Casey Neistat’s Vlogs on repeat or feeding myself with Friends so that I could just cry at Fiction’s ability to make me think my Reality sucked. I was questioning my ultimate indifference to the feelings of people. The I am an Independent- I am too good and realised, that Pax Romana did not equal achieving your life’s purpose.
Pax Romana meant peace, prosperity and stability. A term I coined from my Roman Law readings and a term that struck me with its similarity to my life. A term that made me forget about my past traumas of suffering and assume that happiness now meant happiness forever. I suddenly had forgotten my worst driving test experience where for the first time I felt inhumane, animalistic and nothingness. The first time I ever felt like a nobody, like I was in a ruthless system of cruelty with nothing but my inabilities to show. I suddenly had forgotten a recent unrequited love experience where I had constantly prayed to get out of- as if submerged into an abyss of darkness, of heartbreak and repetitive acceptance of rejection. I forgot the one time crying in the bathroom with the silent rain falling, scary results in my wet hands. I had forgotten my experience with the A-level almost military experience that sought to direct us free human beings into a system that was slowly dying out and killing the richness of life. It’s as if I forgot my struggles and thrashed them into a corner and refused to talk about them. Refused to talk about my haunting memories and closed myself to be this robotic feature of I am going Through Life/ I am just here to exist. I was in a Pax Romana state. The pain had stiffened me and I found solace in the Internet and forgot everything else that mattered. I forgot about nurturing relationships in the human way. I forgot about the love I had once shared with everybody. I forgot about the role I had once played in people’s lives- always there for them and now I had lost myself and fell into me. It was just me trying to get into this convoluted system called life. Life, I was expected to finish Horror high school, get into college and become a drunkard then pass with Honours, get a good job and get married & die. Pax Romana made me accept that- that was it. That I had to fall in with this world’s expectations. That I had to be like every single teenager on this Earth. That I had to do all these things. And so, I sat and waited for my turn to feed into this Life business. I was forgetting the reason behind my existence. I wanted to try everything and it made me feel worse inside because of the limitation of the mind. I was limiting myself to seeing the bigger picture of this thing called Life.
Shower thoughts, made me realise that I had been doing it wrong for 18 years. I had been thinking like the system/ nothing different.
I remember I used to feel special, different, better
I remember I used to wonder if maybe I could do more than just be African and it. Just be labelled that for the sake of the guy who came up with differentiation/ ethnicity. I remember I didn’t only have to include a Bio on my Instagram feed to define myself, because there was so much more that I was
And everyone else
I began to recall my burning desire when I was young to teach
How tears would fill in my eyes when my dolls would get everything correct
How magazines made me feel so annoyingly happy
Like my brain would burst
How film always felt like it flowed in my veins
Then I recalled all the possibilities that had destroyed my yearnings: of my dreams being pathetic, not economically correct, not African but this, embarrassing, useless
How I had been told that I could not get in because I didn’t have much to show
I was not in with the world’s achievement levels
And how that singularly destroys someone. So, they enter into pax romana
Sometimes I sit for too long staring at my mobile screen and start to wonder if I was just born to sit and watch a youtube video about someone eating icecream and live their lives
Sometimes I hear the breeze outside and wonder if I’m missing out at 19 at Life’s experiences
Or if maybe life is just something you define by yourself
How life I can define it by: teaching, fashion and film
Because that is myself
And that is where I feel most alive
And how maybe
It’s time I showed myself what I can do for the world, not the world show me what they can do for me
Because this is about me. Me. Me. Me.
This is not about some peace & money everywhere kind of thing
It’s an experience
And I create that experience
I don’t participate in it
And then my Pax Romana ended
There and then
Because then creating impact
Not being a part of it.